Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
