Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize