I accidentally had phone sex last night
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
