a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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