i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
