I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
