I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
