cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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