moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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