Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
