he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
