you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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