Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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