I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
