I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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