my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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