Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
