guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
