Michael Bay diarrhea
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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