Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
