I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
