so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
