I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
