his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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