hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize