my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
