Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
