broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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