like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
