My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
