OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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