What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
