They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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