you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
