I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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