Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
there's paper in my vomit.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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