I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize