Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
