Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
