Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
