omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
