he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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