Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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