Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
