Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I deserve this hangover.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize