there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
