My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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