glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
