You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
All I want is dick and wine.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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