Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Randomize
