Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
