careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
