One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
