I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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