She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
