Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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