My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
