We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
