I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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