Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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