how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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