True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
