You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
