I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
